i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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