just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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