Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
