That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
