Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
