happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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