He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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