During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
