I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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