i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
and you fell through a lawn chair
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
