i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
