We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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