I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
