My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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