I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was born a porn star she said
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize