he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
