There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
