i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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