i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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