Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
