OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
