he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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