what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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