i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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