Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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