he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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