Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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