So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
