I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
