girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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