Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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