i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
