At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
