I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
