If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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