my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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