and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
