My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
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We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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