His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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