there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
