Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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