I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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