My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
