one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
