Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
These tits shall not be calmed
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
