Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
