This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
