i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
