I faked an abortion last night.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
