He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
