Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
