How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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