is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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