3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
