Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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