Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
